Zombie Becky

No picture for this one! 
OK, yesterday was total confirmation for me that being done with work now is the right thing!!! 

Yesterday I was working at Harrison Park, and not even working with any kids.  All I did was finish up all the paperwork needed, and I walked slowly and deliberately around as needed to tell all my kids that I was done and another OT would work with them. 
Not too hard of work... even though the school is gigantic!! I mean, a typical "normal" day I would easily walk 3000-5000 steps- I know b/c years ago they gave away pedometers as a health incentive and I wore it at Harrison Park and typically would hit at least 3000, and sometimes as high as 5000 steps (and this was before they renovated and expanded!).  All you out there who work there, yeah!   You know how big it is!!!  But I digress...

I did not lay down horizontal during work yesterday, as the doctor recommends me to do several times a day.  I have a bean bag in my room and I have been in the habit the past few weeks to lay on it and balance my laptop on my belly and type away if I have computer stuff to do, but yesterday I had both typing and writing to do.  I thought I would be clever and make an L with my tables around me so I could just sit & do it all right there.  Well, sitting for long periods of time still exhausts me.  It's hard to explain, I just start to feel a lot of pressure on my abdomen and know I need to lay down.  But I just worked slowly...

I thought I was doing fine until I was on my drive home and having visions of pulling over on the highway so that I could curl up and sleep in the backseat.  Now, Jenna was up a few times the night before so we were too, but that's no reason to want to bum it in the back of my car on the highway!  As I drove up the driveway, I knew. I. needed. to. lay. down. at. all. costs.  We had a neighbor over watching Jenna and I vaguely said hi to both of them outside before walking past them, into the house, and laying down on the sofa.  Totally and utterly wiped out.

I rested with my eyes closed for a little bit, but did not move from that sofa unless I had too the rest of the night.  Sometimes I have this weird dream that I am trying to do things but I can't open my eyes because things are so bright, and I can't walk around well because I have this invisible, heavy weighted blanket over my body.  That was totally me yesterday.  To get up to use the restroom required an act of God and when I went downstairs to kiss Jenna goodnight, my heart was racing and I was heaving like I had just climbed Mt Everest.  As it was, all evening as I lay there (and as my amazing husband cooked dinner and took care of things & Jenna... What an outstanding man Andy is!!) my heart thumped in my chest like I had just completed a great kickboxing class (which until 3 months ago I did regularly and totally enjoyed!) ;-)

I really don't want this to be a whining bout.  I tolerate whiners almost as well as I tolerate lame excuses, and I feel like I am doing both... but I am over and over constantly amazed at how growing 4 children at the same time in my body just totally and utterly slaps me down.  It is very humbling and very frustrating.  I am normally a very active person and so my mind is my worst enemy right now.  I think, "I can do this!" and my body says, "no you can't, little lady!".

I was just reminded of that bible verse, "take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:5b) and I need to do this.  Whenever I have thoughts that seem to nag or peck away at me, I know they are NOT from my loving God, they are from the enemy who wants to cause me to doubt, fear, distrust, and even harm myself and others.  God, on the other hand, I know to be loving, truthful, faithful, kind, merciful, gracious, and wise.  He wants the best for me, and the enemy does not.  Period.  I think that is why I know it's best to be done for work.  For this season, as hard as it is, God is calling me to deliberately and wisely care for my body.  I need to learn to ask for help.  I need to learn to say "I can't do it".  I need to learn lots more... not that I really want to learn these lessons, but God loves me too much for me to stay who & where I am (I think that's a quote from my pastor Jeff Manion, something that smart usually doesn't come from me!!).

So even though this season may not be fun, I need to change my thoughts and make them align with God's plans for me.  I can't do this on my own-- heck no!  On my own I will whine and cry & become self-centered and push myself and doubt myself and try to please others and doubt God's best intentions for me.  It's only through His Holy Spirit that I can do this!  And I need to pray.  Lots.  This is such a wild, crazy, and exciting journey.  I just read that there are only about 500 quadruplet births per year in the USA!  How rare is this!!!  Thank you all for your support and prayers.  And for letting me lay my thoughts, random as they are, down in print.  God is so good.  Have a great day.